The Truth About Bubble Butts


Here’s something you aren’t going to want to hear. If you don’t have the right genetics, your butt is never going to blossom into a bubbly and buxom behind. Just like calf raises will never transform them into boulders if you don’t have the genetics for it. It’s a painful truth many people fail to come to terms with. It’s something the online magazines don’t want you to know. I’m going to let you know it.

I’m not here to shame anyone. Everyone has a butt. Some of them are flat, some of them are bubbly. Some of us wake up in the morning with calves that are bigger than our thighs. Some of us will do calf raises until we tear ligaments and will still have to face the music. There are things we can do to maximize our assets, no pun intended. And I will outline them after I lay down some cold hard truth about this topic.

The best way to get a bubble butt is to get plastic surgery. Same goes with calves. Calf implants are quickly becoming a big seller in the plastic surgery world. I’ve seen guys that never did a single calf-raise in their life with calves that will make your jaw drop. I can do calf-raises until the tendons and ligaments are one thread away from ripping from the bone. I will still have mediocre calves. I can do things like foam rolling and tissue manipulation (the best way to bring out a lagging muscle belly, and I highly recommend doing this). But there are factors at play here that will always leave me one scalpel slice away from having my dream-calves.

I have some pretty awesome traps. When people ask me what I do to get them bigger, I tell them, I worry a lot. Carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, and they will eventually be your best built body-part. But androgen receptor dominance is the primary reason why one muscle part will “grow” more than another. And I’ve seen women spend their entire day at the gym doing butt exercises, only to leave the gym with the same flat butt they came in with. It’s a hard and cold truth. We have certain genetic limitations. I work hard to figure out ways to tweak or hack those genetic factors, but we are still dealing with a set of instructions that have been hard-coded into our dna.

Argue the points all you want. I’m not interested in getting lost in the discussion, but I’ll be willing to hear arguments against it, as I always have about any point I make on this site. Fire away in the comments, and as long as things remain civil, I’ll be here to encourage discussion. But the truth about butts is that there is only so much we can do. If you’re overweight, and let your rear-end get chunky rather than bubbly, it’s time to work on that. But it will only reveal what you were born with. “Shake what your momma gave you” is more than a catchy lyric. It’s a statement of genetic destiny. We can silence and activate certain genes, but for the most part, we work with what we have and make it the best we can.

I struggle with medium-sized calves. Always have. I’ve done all sorts of calf raises. Toes turned in, turned out. Standing, kneeling. The most changes I’ve experienced have come from tissue manipulation. I’ve pointed this out before. So did Arnold Schwarzenegger, when he said he focuses on deep stretches of the chest at the bottom of dumbbell presses and flies. Take the fascia, a sheath of protective tissue surrounding a muscle belly, and stretch it out as much as you can to get the most plump and biggest muscle belly you can. Fill it with nutrients, glycogen and water, and stretch it form the inside out. That’s the best strategy I can suggest to anyone with a body-part that isn’t up to snuff. Foam-rolling the thighs and lacrosse-balling the glutes will help break down adhesions and scar tissue and will ultimately expand the limits of your fascia. So get to work doing that. It will also help increase range of motion and undue postural disturbances that keep your shoulders protracted when working on the perfect overhead squat. Years of HRT can leave a guy’s glute medius and minimus knotted up and I highly recommend working on deep stretches and foam-rolling to repair and restructure tissue.

So while you’re rolling and wincing, I will finish off my thoughts and move on to a new post in a bit. We all have great bodies. Some of them are short, some of them are tall. Some of them are thick, some of them are thin. Some are flat, some are bubbly. We should celebrate our bodies, because they are the vehicles that move our spirits through the physical plane we are dreaming in. And we should do everything we can to undo silenced genes, awaken dormant code. We should also manipulate our fascia every chance we get. Some of the biggest spurts in my muscle-building days came when I focused on deep stretching after a workout. Don’t just work the muscle and then hussle out the door. Take some time to foam-roll, and stretch deep and long to help restructure the tissue.

And then leave others to pursue their ideas of what is possible. Maybe someone will read this and call it bullshit. Maybe they will tap into some unknown truth I haven’t yet uncovered, and will come here to show me proof of my pompousness. I applaud them. Bring it. And bring your open mind when I tell you that the “5 simple tips to a bigger bottom” are regurgitations of the same lies that have repeated over and over again to sell a magazine cover. Without the lies, we have to face the truth. And the truth can suck. Suck it up. And do another set of squats anyways. Because you may not end up with a big bottom because of those deep deadlifts. But you will be learning how to lift something safely. The deadlift was originally called the “health lift”. For good reason. It’s the perfect way to pick something up off the ground. It’s the healthiest way to move the body. So learn it in your sleep, and go deep on those squats (anything above parallel is just working those quads, my front-dominant friends).

And check back in while I dig up fresh ideas to help you unleash your beast within. And get up from your desk today. Sitting is the new smoking, so break the habit for good. Your tablet has wifi, and the starbucks signal will still work in the parking lot. So step outside, get some sunshine and check back in soon. I have some really awesome ideas for ways you can unlock our essential desire to evolve!